Guys, you know EXACTLY what I am talking about. The women (not necessarily little-old-ladies) who are driving with their hands at the 10-2, leaned so far forward in their seat they are basically tonguing their windshield and have the frazzled look of Eric Lindros when he heard he was drafted by the Quebec Nordiques.
"Oh, come on. Quebec? Really!? I'm gonna demand a trade before I even put that jersey on!"
Okay, maybe not that look. Um... this look!
Yeah, that's the one. Calm the fuck down, lady!
Yeah, I said it. Women are terrible drivers! I mean, we're all thinking it, it's about time somebody had the balls to say it. Now granted, there are exceptions, as there are with anything. There are a very select group of women who don't drive with foreboding. I would love to assemble these women and convince them to start a college or something. It could be called WWDDLBTWWDLBTDP - Women Who Don't Drive Like Bitches Teaching Women Who Drive Like Bitches To Drive Properly. Hmmm... not catchy, really, and could make for some awkward screen printing. If only I had it down pat like these guys...
Fucking brilliant.
Yeah, I know FCUK is not a college or university, but still, that's genius! Bravo to whoever came up with that. Oh, I know. How about CNUT - Cars, Not Useless Toys...? (see what I did there?) Ah fuck it. Regardless, these women should unite and teach all women who operate a motor vehicle to not drive with such weariness. Seriously, driving like you're just waiting for an accident to happen is not okay! I have an idea. Let's put a Wayne Brady cardboard cut-out at every major intersection in this city. If it appears to be working, heck, let's put em on every street. Or better yet, make every woman drive with Wayne Brady in the passenger seat. That'll scare them into driving properly!
Caption not necessary.
I am by no means suggesting that women drive more like men. That would be ridiculous. I am not sexist, nor do I think that men are perfect drivers. I've seen some hilarious automobile gaffs at the hands of male drivers. But I do consider myself something of an authority on the issue and I can safely say that 97% of all automobile travesties that I have witnessed have been at the hands of women. I've had my license for almost 11 years, never been in a *major* accident, and have only received one speeding ticket (which I received while working). I've got approximately 250,000 kms under my belt, and have undertaken some seriously epic road trips. I know driving, therefore I can judge you based on your poor driving, ladies. I will only consider apologizing if my blog traffic takes a serious hit. Until then, flame on!
Before I go any further... ladies, you know I love you, right? You are absolutely beautiful in every way. I love your luscious curves and your flashy smiles and your drunk eyes at Lottie's at 3am. I mean no harm by my words, other than to speak the truth. Just so happens that this time, the truth hurts. Seriously, I love you all! How could I not when you have one of these in your amongst your gender...
Dear... God.... that is.... quite the... library you've got there!
The thing about women drivers is that they seem to be one extreme or the other. On one hand, there's the group of terrible female drivers who are speed demons. These women drive as if they are operating an ambulance or a fire truck - just turn on the emergency lights and everyone will clear the fuck out, right? Flying around like savages, weaving in and out of traffic, with broken signal lights(?) and have little to no regard for human life, these women are a menace to the driving community. They should be forced to travel on rocket-propelled rollerskates with no protective gear.
I was driving once, approaching the intersection of Prince Phillip and Thorburn. As I neared, the light switched from green to amber/yellow, so I slowed down to stop. While I am certain that my good pal El Nolan would've pulled what he calls a "shady red-light maneuver", I decided to err on the side of caution and stop. I peered into my rearview mirror as I was stopping, only to see a female driver whip into the other lane from behind me and zoom through the now red light. It's one thing to pull a shady move and accelerate at a yellow light. But to make the effort to switch lanes at the intersection, just to blast through the red light... come on. While I feel like these women should be corralled and punished accordingly, their punishment would be nothing compared to what those apprehensive female drivers deserve.
As I referred to in my opening, these distressed ladies should be jailed for their driving inability. These are the women that constantly drive 5-10 km/h below the speed limit and then when you angrily change lanes to pass them, they have the nerve to shake their fist and utter curses at you. Unbelievable.
Please. You know it was your fault.
These same women want to drive like they can employ normal, accepted driving practices, but really do not have the gumption to pull it off. Case in point: it's accepted that, at a green light, while waiting to make a left turn, the lead car generally rolls into the intersection and takes the turn when oncoming traffic has cleared. Sometimes, traffic is heavy, and the driver is forced to make that left while the light is yellow, turning red. And generally, when said driver has to make that turn quickly and get the fuck out of the intersection, well, he/she floors the gas and does just that. But not these women. Oh no. Sure, they roll into the intersection, like they are going to make the aggressive left when given the chance. But when the opportunity arises, they will very gingerly roll through as if they have the flashing green left-turn signal. One time, I saw a woman do just this. She actually took the time to look in both directions to ensure that the opposite lanes (with green left-turn flashing lights) had not proceeded. Noticing that they had started their turn, she panicked and instead of hitting the gas, hit her brake. She narrowly, and I do mean narrowly, escaped getting hit by not one, but two cars. When she finally emerged from the lane, she had the nerve to shake her fists at the drivers with the right-of-way. If only I owned a high-precision sniper rifle... and for some reason had it conveniently on my passenger seat, locked and loaded... I'd have eliminated her right then and there. Of course, if I am driving around with loaded firearms in the middle of the afternoon, that's a whole other issue in itself.
And then there are these women. I actually have nothing else to say, other than observe the following.
Hands-free is the way to be.
WHO GAVE YOU A DRIVER'S LICENSE!?
Wow.
Ladies, you're not all bad drivers. Just most of you. Most of you make me wish that I was driving alongside this furry little guy.
I leave you with this, my loyal followers:
96.7% of women should not drive a vehicle. Period. (Okay, that's completely fabricated - not even a real stat. But funny, and appropriate)
It is that time of year again. The day where everyone from the most die-hard sports fan to the people who don't even know what the Super Bowl is will have one very special thing in common - booze! Today, my friends, is Super Bowl Sunday! Typically, I include a quirky fact about some random shit at the end of each of my posts, but allow me to post a couple of interesting facts about the Super Bowl here:
- There will be 8 million lbs. of guacamole consumed today!
- There will be 14,500 tonnes of potato chips consumed today!
- There will be a 20% increase in antacid sales today!
- 6% of employed people will call in sick tomorrow!
- There will be more than $10 billion wagered by more than 50% of adult Americans today!
TEN BILLION DOLLARS!? That sounds like a ridiculous Dr. Evil ransom demand!
"I want a kajillion bajillion dollars!"
Yeah, I know it was Tim Robbins' character of the President who said that, but fuck you it's my blog and I'll type whatever the hell I please!
I digress.
The Super Bowl is famously the sporting event where the most money is wagered, most shitty bar-food is eaten and most beer is drank - what's NOT to love about the Bowl!? The NFL has managed to make the Super Bowl one of the most, if not THE most, lucrative annual sporting event on Earth. The revenue generated by the NFL, it's affiliates and it's sponsors on this day is obscene. Everyone and their dog will be watching the Bowl. I, personally, will be at the Sundance on George St. for Bud Bowl, undoubtedly adding to the already massive total of money wagered, food eaten and, yes, beer drank!
Allow me to discuss the game itself. Being a NFL fan for the last 3-4 years, I feel like I can offer an at least somewhat educated opinion on the game and the two teams competing for the Lombardi Trophy - the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers. I could go on and on about the history of these two storied NFL franchises, but I won't bore you with that shit. I have watched just about every game this season, and I am going to focus my discussion on what I personally have seen from these two teams this year.
The Steelers opened the season with consecutive wins, one of which came against my Tennessee Titans in week 2 (lousy pricks!). Their QB, Big Ben Roethlisberger, was suspended for the first 4 games due to an off-field incident this summer (google "Ben rape" and you'll find what I am referring too LOL). It seemed as if the Steelers were in trouble from the outset. But a stellar defense, and surprising play from their offense led by backup QB Charlie Batch, were able to amass a 3-1 record in Ben's absence. After Ben's return, the Steelers really poured it on and went a very impressive 9-3 with him under center, despite all of the controversy that surrounded him and the team. Questions about Ben's future with the team surrounded him all season, but in very Ben-esque fashion, and with the help of some massive seasons from Mike Wallace and Rashard Mendenhall, he was able to overcome the shit and get the job done. While I personally am not a Steelers fan, they are a team that demands respect in the sense that they are an image of what most NFL teams would love to be. What impresses me about the Steelers is that they always play Steelers-football (defense first: they ranked a meager 12th overall in points for, but 1st overall in fewest points for). With such an emphasis on defense (they allowed a league's best 14.5 pts per game - unreal!), watching a Steelers game can be very tough if you like exciting, high-scoring football (like watching the New Jersey devils play hockey, no fucking thank you), but at the same time, I can't help but respect the fact that they have a tight gameplan and stick to it. Although, when I see Ben roll out of the pocket and mail out a bomb to Wallace, that gets me goin' just a bit! My game breaker: SS Troy Polamalu. The defensive player of the year will need to do what he does best in order for the Steelers to pull it out. That is, he is gonna have to shadow the fuck out of the Packers deep threat, Greg Jennings, and pick off Rodgers at least once.
Your sissy voice doesn't match your mad skills, Troy.
Over the course of this season, I developed a bit of a bias towards the Packers. I drafted their QB, Aaron Rodgers, 1st overall in my fantasy pool and he almost led me to a trip to the finals (fuck you, Scotty Don't!). The Packers road to the Super Bowl was much different than the Steelers. Mired by injuries all season, the Packers struggled to establish themselves as a force. Though regarded as a preseason favourite by many, key injuries to Ryan Grant and Jermichael Finley and Brett Favre seemed too much for the Pack to overcome, as they stumbled out of the gate and started the season a mediocre 3-3 (with losses to the Reskins and Dolphins - gross!). Add a 7-3 loss to the lowly Lions in week 14, and you've officially got yourself a rollercoaster of a season. It came down to a must-win situation in week 17 for the Pack, and win they did, edging the Bears 10-3. As the 6th seed, the Packers played every playoff game on the road and they managed to win handily in each of those games, including a 27 point thrashing of the 14-2 Falcons. The Packers were led by the stellar play of Aaron Rodgers all season. His ability to not only thread the needle on a 75-yd TD pass, but also pull through with a 25-yd scamper in the clutch makes him one of the most prolific QBs in the NFL (definitely more effective than that faggot, Tom Brady). On the defensive side of the ball, Clay Matthews has emerged as one of the best pass-rushers in the NFL and has been a headache for opposing QBs all season. Unlike the Steelers, the Packers really do not have a running game (James Starks? Child, please!), so in order for the Pack to win, they are going to need a massive game from Rodgers and Jennings on offense, and Matthews and Williams on defense. My game breaker: my boy, QB Aaron Rodgers. It's no secret that he is the key to the Packers success. Sure, Greg Jennings is an elite WR, but without Rodgers, his numbers would be mediocre at best (see: Steve Smith, Carolina Panthers lolz). In order for the Packers to win today, Rodgers is going to have to pick apart a very tough Steelers secondary and somehow find room to run himself. If Rodgers can crack off a few of those big scrambles he's known to do, the Steelers could be in trouble.
Rodgers is leet.
A blog post about the Super Bowl would not be complete without a prediction as to who is going to win, so allow me to put my reputation on the line here. At -2.5, I like the Packers to cover. Despite this being a matchup of the two best defenses in the NFL, I expect a somewhat high-scoring affair, so I predict that the game will go over the line of 44.5 points. And if I were to predict a score of the game, I'd say 27-20 for Green Bay. In terms of stats, I figure Rodgers is good for 275 yds passing, 40 yds rushing, and 3 combined TDs. For the Steelers, Mendenhall will carry the load with a combined 90 yds from scrimmage, with 2 TDs. As for the rest of the players, fuck 'em. I'm an amateur blog poster, not a Goddamn NFL analyst.
Let the debauchery known as Super Bowl Shenanigans commence in T-3 hours. See you all at the Bud Bowl! Go Packers!
I'll leave you all with this:
During an NFL game, the home team must provide the referees with 24 footballs for the game. That's a lot of fucking bacon!
P.S. I am aware that this post may not be as funny as the rest of my posts, but hey, it's about football, it's Sunday morning and Brett Favre won't stop texting me his dick pics. Speaking of which, check this out:
