*Disclaimer: If my mother is reading this, which I'm sure she is, I apologize in advance for the repeated use of slang words for a penis. And for anyone else, don't read this in front of your kids.
In mid-September, I was in Voisey's Bay for work. I purchased a webcam from the internet, and proudly told the world on my facebook. My buddy, Brian (the self-proclaimed King of Controversy), replied, "We all know you bought that for Chatroulette, don't deny it." "WTF is Chatroulette?" I said to myself. So naturally, my curiosity got the best of me and I did a google search for chatroulette, which led me to it's website (a link which I will NOT include here, for obvious reasons forthcoming). So upon discovering chatroulette, I realized that it was a website designed to pair random users of the site from all over the world together in a webcam based video, audio and text-based chat. Pretty neat, hey? So me, being the king of naivete, decided to check out this phenomenon that I had never heard of. So after a brief delay, I was paired with a girl... for about four seconds, until she rudely flipped me off and disconnected. Not the way you want to start your chatroulette session. My next pairing was an older man. He squinted into his webcam and excalimed, "I want titties, not some fuckin' dude!" At this point, I'm ready to sign off, obviously not being well-received by the chatroulette, but I decided to take another shot and spin the wheel. Spin the wheel!? Get it? Roulette... spin the wheel...? In hindsight, I should've stopped then and there, realizing that random people in cyberspace are not able to bond in random pairings... but I didn't. My third pairing was a man, but the camera was not focussed on his face... it was his penis. He was masturbating furiously on chatroulette! I said "What the fuck, man?!" And he replied "What, asshole, you don't like my cock?" Before I had a chance to sign off, he disconnected and another pairing was made.... which was just another guy jerking off. He also immediately disconnected. Before I had a chance to collect myself and log off, I inadvertently viewed another pairing, which was a guy bent over on all fours with his cock 'n' balls between his legs and he shouted, "CHECK OUT THE GOAT!!!" This time I actually laughed out loud, as I understood the reference right away. For those of you that don't get it, I HIGHLY recommend you watch the movie 'Waiting' with Ryan Reynolds. In that movie, the male employees of the restaurant have an ongoing game in which the goal is to show each other their junk in various... um... shapes...? Anyway, it's piss-your-pants hilarious, so go watch it!
Just as I was about to end my chatroulette career once and for all, I was paired with a random girl who said, "Nice to find someone who isn't jerking off!" I chatted with this girl for about 10 minutes, mainly about how fucked up chatroulette is and what is wrong with the world. She claimed it was her first time (I didn't believe her) and in one hour that she viewed approximately 100 pairings. She said of those 100 pairings, 60 were men masturbating, 25 were men looking to watch men masturbate, 10 were girls looking to watch men masturbate, and 5 were normal people, confused at the amount of penises on chatroulette. After that I signed off from chatroulette, never to return.
I concluded that chatroulette is not to pair up random people and have them meet and chat, but to in fact allow guys to jerk off anonymously on their webcams for anyone to see. Gross, really. As if I needed a chatroulette experience to confirm that the internet is a sick and twisted place. Never, ever again. Thanks, Brian.
Readers, thank you for sticking with me through this otherwise disturbing entry. I had to share my experience, if for no other reason that to forewarn you all of the evil demon that is chatroulette. I'll leave you with this:
Celery has negative calories! You'll burn more calories eating a piece of celery then the celery actually contains!
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