With a heavy heart...

Cue the playlist of my favourite acoustic tunes....

As I sit here watching my little angel sleep, I can't help but reflect on what my life has been like to this point. For someone so young, I have experienced the highest of highs, as well as the lowest of lows. All of those moments helped make me the man that I am today. I am hardly perfect, but I like to think that I am a pretty good guy overall. I am so lucky to be a dad; I was petrified when I found out, but I would not trade Lydia for anything in the world. She's the only thing I have that is always, no matter what, a source of pure happiness for me. Being a parent is the absolute greatest gift that anyone could receive. Watching her grow has been a true blessing for me. She is so perfect in every way; it's incredible. Before I became a parent, I used words like 'love' and 'perfect' and 'amazing' egregiously, but only now that I have become a dad have I realized what those words really mean. Lydia is all of that and so much more. To be able to say that I am her dad is the greatest gift of all and I cherish that each and every day.

I am feeling a bit somber today. Rather than bottle up my emotions, I thought I'd use my blog as a way of releasing this hurt and sorrow from my chest. As many of you may know, I have been going through a hard separation over the last few months. It has been especially hard because I spent the better part of 2010 away from my little family and we separated shortly after I got home in October. Turning around and leaving after being gone for so long was the hardest thing I have ever done. While I do see Lydia regularly, it is hardly the same as having my family together, under one roof. All I ever wanted was to have my family together. I had big plans for us. These next few years were going to be a sacrifice to build a better and safer future for us. It turns out that we just could not hold on through it all. So much has happened in such a short period of time. Our hearts have been broken and neither of us was strong enough to pick up the pieces....

To my baby's momma. As hard as it is only seeing Lydia a couple times a week, the hardest part of all of this is trying to ignore the natural emotions that I feel when I am in your presence. You have always had a way of putting a smile on my face no matter how bad things have been. Every time I am on the way over here, I repeat to myself to not let my emotions get the best of me; to be strong and do "the right thing." Yet the moment I walk in that door and meet your gaze and you look at me and say, "Hi, Daddy", I am instantly reduced to mush. I have never had an explanation for the way you make me feel. Something about the way your hair moves when you walk towards me, about the way you sing ever so softly, about the way you hug me, about the way you love our daughter... you are everything I could have ever asked for in a partner. You are the absolute best mother to our daughter and I have no fear of her when she is with you. I know that she is safe.

I know you say that I wasn't the man I needed to be and for that, I apologize. I did the best I could. I fought through a lot of adversity in the beginning to make this work and I never really recovered. I have been playing catchup to your awesomeness for the last two years and I've never been able to keep pace with you. I am just a boy, really. I have so much more to learn. The world is a big place and still has a lot to offer me. Someday, when I have explored some more of myself and this Earth, I will be the man I know I can be. I am sorry that I let you down. I know that when you said 'yes' that you meant it; you wanted this as badly as I did. All I want is for you to be happy. That means more to me than you know. I see clearly now that letting you go is the right thing to do; our purpose was to make Lydia and we have achieved that. Live your life. Be strong and merry. Take chances. Find that magical smile that you had when we first met. I know that it exists in there somewhere. I will always love you, as the mother of our child and as a friend. You will always hold a very special place in my heart.


I came to her apartment today for my scheduled visit with Lydia. She typically hung around here with me, but I could handle that today; too painful. While I feel like our time together (while separated) has been building the foundation towards a solid friendship, it has also been emotionally devastating. As much as I haven't been actively trying to re-kindle our relationship, I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't always on the back of my mind. As I mentioned, all i have ever wanted is for our little family to be together under one roof and I would've given anything to make it happen. Anyway, I came here to see that everything had been moved around. What was once my home was suddenly something unrecognizable to me. I have been crying all morning, like a young boy whose dog was just ran over. In my heart I know it's the right thing to have happen, but my mind is struggling to let go. As I watch Lydia play with her toys, she looks at me with that pure, unadulterated smile and I cry some more. But as I continue to make my way through the apartment, my tears turn to a smile. A smile knowing that a change is on the horizon for us both. That we are both taking steps towards achieving the one thing that everyone wants, but few of us have: happiness. It's going to be hard for me to move on; I thought I had my whole life planned out. But I will move on and I will be happy. It will take lots and lots of time, but I'll get there. I have the best friends in the whole wide world. With the most beautiful little girl on Earth, loving parents and loving friends, I will pick up the pieces. Change is upon us and it's a beautiful thing....

P.S. I PROMISE that I will return to my typical, hilarious, cocky self sooner rather than later. You, the reader, have been anxiously awaiting another gem from me and you'll get it. I promise. Best wishes.