Fist-pumping is lame and should be abolished.

Come to think of it, that's not a great title for a blog post. I say this, because in using said title, I have revealed my thesis statement and if you, the reader, does not agree with my statement, then you may be less inclined to read my post, which ultimately, would sadden me.

To all of you dedicated followers who have been wondering, "Where the hell did he go!? He gave us a rant about how he would update his blog regularly and then he doesn't post for over a month. What a low-life, misleading, douche bag. If I ever saw that Skinner guy in public, I'd punch him right in his lying face. That no good son-of-a-bitch!"

....

On second thought, I would hope that a) you're not that upset about me not posting in my blog and b) if you are that passionate of a person, please apply it to something more useful than rage against my blog. Now where was I...? Ah, yes! I haven't posted in a while because of drinking and Christmas and drinking and New Years and drinking and football playoffs and drinking and... drinking. It's been an eventful month for me, one that quite obviously involved a lot of booze, an amateur strip show by yours truly (all pictures and videos of said event will never be revealed, ever), and most importantly, spending time with the love of my life, my daughter, Miss Lydia. Nonetheless, I made a promise to all of you dedicated readers to update this blog semi-regularly, so here I am, grinding one out for you guys! Allow me to start off 2011 bang.

Fist-pumping is stupid. And I'm not talking about those Tiger Woods huge celebration fistpumps, those are great! I'm talking about the fist pump where two people put their fist together in some sort of congenial celebration... and that shit those douche bags pull on Jersey Shore.

Thanks for ruining my life, assholes.

My rage against fist-pumping started a few months ago when I was playing pool at Dooly's. A friend of mine, who we'll refer to as "The State", and I were playing pool. At the end of our game, she looked at me and exclaimed, "Pound it!" As most single man would, I hurried to assemble my cue and vacate the premises as I thought that I was gonna get lucky (what the hell else could 'pound it' refer to!?). Instead, she thrust her hand forward and made a fist, ushering me to do the same. "WTF? Pound what? Your fist? With my fist?" At that time, she explained the concept of fist-pumping or dapping or "pound it" to me. What a fucking LAME idea! Hey, here's an idea for you: the next time you go to a concert or performance of any kind and the performer completes whatever it is he/she/they are doing, instead of clapping for them the traditional way, why not try (I may be starting a trend here!) fist-clapping! That's right. Instead of clapping your open-palmed hands together to show your appreciation, why not clap your clenched fists together? It might make you bleed and hurt like hell, but who cares!? Gotta "pound it", right? *puke*

The State informed me that I was behind in the times and that fist-pumping was the shit. I refused to believe her. But after a bit of research, it turns out that, sadly, she was correct. I discovered that Obama fist-pumped his wife, Michelle, just before his speech prior to winning the Presidential Election!

"You hear that, Michelle? I run this country! Pound it!"

Gone are the days of the good ol' high five. Everywhere I go now, I see people pounding it like it's going out of style. At Dooly's, you can't turn around without watching two people pound it. "Hey man, nice shot! Pound it!" Other random bars that host sporting events, same deal. If the local favourite scores a goal, touchdown, homerrun, etc., it's usually followed by a round of fistpumps. It's ridiculous! Doesn't anyone see the danger in fistpumping. Picture this: you're at a bar for the UFC pay-per-view. George St. Pierre has just owned that little bitch, Josh Koscheck. A flurry of loud cheers and fist-pumps fills the room. "Woooo! GSP won! Pound it!" Except this time, when you proceed to pound it, you fail to realize that you've also been pounding beer and shots all night. And when you go to pound your friends' fist, you instead punch him directly in the face. The result: a melee. Weeee! Your errant fist-pump has just started a fucking riot. If you weren't a douche and practiced the more sensible, safer high five, none of this would've happened. You might've missed your friends' hand, you both could've laughed it off and tried again until you got it right. Hey CBSC, forget about Dire Straits. Put your resources to good use and ban something worthwhile, the fist-pump, and save mankind before it's too late.

In my opinion, shared by my good friend whom we refer to as "High Five" Mark (I'm serious!) and Borat, there is no sweeter sound than that of a solid high five. The high five has been around since the beginning of time and should never be replaced. In 2008, when my pool team won provincials and a trip to beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada, we celebrated with HIGH FIVES! But now, I can't help but think that if my pool team were to win this year, that the celebration would be filled with fist-pumps, and I would be left there hanging with my hand held high, while receiving odd looks and comments like, "Why are you holding your hand in the air like that, Skinner? Get over here and pound it!"

If I ever saw someone wearing this, I'd punch them in the face.

Well I am not ready to roll over and accept fist-pumping as the norm. In 2002-2003 when MSN Messenger swept ICQ off of its feet, I was reluctant to give in to the shift; I don't like change. I loved ICQ (5686349, get at me!), but when I realized that everyone was using Messenger, I had no choice but to switch. I rolled over like a little bitch and gave in. Well no more! I am fighting this! I want to take fist-pumping and "pound it" out of the mainstream and into St. John's harbour, with the rest of the shit. I don't care if Obama, Ali-G, and all of those douche bags from Jersey Shore are doing it, I am going to fight it. Fist-pumping has gone TOO FAR and has become much too popular! It looks stupid. It is stupid. Let's abolish this farce of celebration once and for all. The next time someone asks me to pound it, I am going to either a) hold my open-palmed hand up for a high five or b) punch them in the mouth or c) threaten to lighten up my facebook friends list via deletion (the ultimate threat!). By any means necessary, we must rid ourselves of this stain on society. Let's do away with fist-pumping once and for all! Who's with me!?

This is NOT okay.

In closing, I leave you with this wonderful, yet useless, tidbit:

In 1994, at a movie theater in Germany, ushers beat a man to death for sneaking in his own popcorn. Yikes!