I'll rant and I'll roar like a true Newfoundlander.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Women - Beautiful creatures, terrible drivers.
Guys, you know EXACTLY what I am talking about. The women (not necessarily little-old-ladies) who are driving with their hands at the 10-2, leaned so far forward in their seat they are basically tonguing their windshield and have the frazzled look of Eric Lindros when he heard he was drafted by the Quebec Nordiques.
"Oh, come on. Quebec? Really!? I'm gonna demand a trade before I even put that jersey on!"
Okay, maybe not that look. Um... this look!
Yeah, that's the one. Calm the fuck down, lady!
Yeah, I said it. Women are terrible drivers! I mean, we're all thinking it, it's about time somebody had the balls to say it. Now granted, there are exceptions, as there are with anything. There are a very select group of women who don't drive with foreboding. I would love to assemble these women and convince them to start a college or something. It could be called WWDDLBTWWDLBTDP - Women Who Don't Drive Like Bitches Teaching Women Who Drive Like Bitches To Drive Properly. Hmmm... not catchy, really, and could make for some awkward screen printing. If only I had it down pat like these guys...
Fucking brilliant.
Yeah, I know FCUK is not a college or university, but still, that's genius! Bravo to whoever came up with that. Oh, I know. How about CNUT - Cars, Not Useless Toys...? (see what I did there?) Ah fuck it. Regardless, these women should unite and teach all women who operate a motor vehicle to not drive with such weariness. Seriously, driving like you're just waiting for an accident to happen is not okay! I have an idea. Let's put a Wayne Brady cardboard cut-out at every major intersection in this city. If it appears to be working, heck, let's put em on every street. Or better yet, make every woman drive with Wayne Brady in the passenger seat. That'll scare them into driving properly!
Caption not necessary.
I am by no means suggesting that women drive more like men. That would be ridiculous. I am not sexist, nor do I think that men are perfect drivers. I've seen some hilarious automobile gaffs at the hands of male drivers. But I do consider myself something of an authority on the issue and I can safely say that 97% of all automobile travesties that I have witnessed have been at the hands of women. I've had my license for almost 11 years, never been in a *major* accident, and have only received one speeding ticket (which I received while working). I've got approximately 250,000 kms under my belt, and have undertaken some seriously epic road trips. I know driving, therefore I can judge you based on your poor driving, ladies. I will only consider apologizing if my blog traffic takes a serious hit. Until then, flame on!
Before I go any further... ladies, you know I love you, right? You are absolutely beautiful in every way. I love your luscious curves and your flashy smiles and your drunk eyes at Lottie's at 3am. I mean no harm by my words, other than to speak the truth. Just so happens that this time, the truth hurts. Seriously, I love you all! How could I not when you have one of these in your amongst your gender...
Dear... God.... that is.... quite the... library you've got there!
The thing about women drivers is that they seem to be one extreme or the other. On one hand, there's the group of terrible female drivers who are speed demons. These women drive as if they are operating an ambulance or a fire truck - just turn on the emergency lights and everyone will clear the fuck out, right? Flying around like savages, weaving in and out of traffic, with broken signal lights(?) and have little to no regard for human life, these women are a menace to the driving community. They should be forced to travel on rocket-propelled rollerskates with no protective gear.
I was driving once, approaching the intersection of Prince Phillip and Thorburn. As I neared, the light switched from green to amber/yellow, so I slowed down to stop. While I am certain that my good pal El Nolan would've pulled what he calls a "shady red-light maneuver", I decided to err on the side of caution and stop. I peered into my rearview mirror as I was stopping, only to see a female driver whip into the other lane from behind me and zoom through the now red light. It's one thing to pull a shady move and accelerate at a yellow light. But to make the effort to switch lanes at the intersection, just to blast through the red light... come on. While I feel like these women should be corralled and punished accordingly, their punishment would be nothing compared to what those apprehensive female drivers deserve.
As I referred to in my opening, these distressed ladies should be jailed for their driving inability. These are the women that constantly drive 5-10 km/h below the speed limit and then when you angrily change lanes to pass them, they have the nerve to shake their fist and utter curses at you. Unbelievable.
Please. You know it was your fault.
These same women want to drive like they can employ normal, accepted driving practices, but really do not have the gumption to pull it off. Case in point: it's accepted that, at a green light, while waiting to make a left turn, the lead car generally rolls into the intersection and takes the turn when oncoming traffic has cleared. Sometimes, traffic is heavy, and the driver is forced to make that left while the light is yellow, turning red. And generally, when said driver has to make that turn quickly and get the fuck out of the intersection, well, he/she floors the gas and does just that. But not these women. Oh no. Sure, they roll into the intersection, like they are going to make the aggressive left when given the chance. But when the opportunity arises, they will very gingerly roll through as if they have the flashing green left-turn signal. One time, I saw a woman do just this. She actually took the time to look in both directions to ensure that the opposite lanes (with green left-turn flashing lights) had not proceeded. Noticing that they had started their turn, she panicked and instead of hitting the gas, hit her brake. She narrowly, and I do mean narrowly, escaped getting hit by not one, but two cars. When she finally emerged from the lane, she had the nerve to shake her fists at the drivers with the right-of-way. If only I owned a high-precision sniper rifle... and for some reason had it conveniently on my passenger seat, locked and loaded... I'd have eliminated her right then and there. Of course, if I am driving around with loaded firearms in the middle of the afternoon, that's a whole other issue in itself.
And then there are these women. I actually have nothing else to say, other than observe the following.
Hands-free is the way to be.
WHO GAVE YOU A DRIVER'S LICENSE!?
Wow.
Ladies, you're not all bad drivers. Just most of you. Most of you make me wish that I was driving alongside this furry little guy.
I leave you with this, my loyal followers:
96.7% of women should not drive a vehicle. Period. (Okay, that's completely fabricated - not even a real stat. But funny, and appropriate)
This is exactly why i do not drive. I do not have a driver's licence. I have never had one and I never really felt a desire to get one.
And still when I share this piece of information about myself majority of people express their surprise and (often) resentment. Meanwhile, in the light of this post, all they should express is gratitude and relief. Relief that I know my strengths and weaknesses and know how complicated operating of a motor vehicle on a busy road appears to be to me and gratitude that I choose not to put my and their lives at risk.
That being said.
The best driver I ever been in a car with is a woman. My friend's mom. Never in my life before or after I met someone who could parallel park and perform other manouevers as smoothly as she did. To that you should add very good driving skills and amazing awareness of what is going on on the roads.
I got hit twice by a car. Both times on the crosswalk, both times crossing with a green light for pedestrians. Both times in St. John's. Both times by a guy not paying attention while turning.
Why just pick on the women here Andrew? I think the shitty driver ratio is pretty even! What about the guy that speeds past you on the road cause you pulled over to get your kids out the car (cause there is no where else to be) and he speeds past you like your such a bitch for stopping to let your precious cargo out and gives you a look like 'WTF"?? And what about the guy that speeds down the road in a residential area where children are playing and doesn't give a crap that one of these kids at any given time will decide to dart out onto the road? I think woman are just more considerate of others with their driving and therefore it looks like woman make dumbass mistakes when really it is the guy in front of her who once again proved himself useless to think of anyone else but himself and she felt compelled to look out for others for his stupid maneuverer's. And don't even get me started on the man who thought it was a great day for sightseeing and decided to drive 30 down LeMarchant Road during rush hour!! And I know a guy who has a terrible habit of fixing his hair while driving. I am scared to be in the car with him because his vanity is going to kill him I am sure. So, I do think it is pretty even when it comes to stupid drivers. I just think you notice the woman more then the men because we are such a great species and those are the only drivers you notice!! :)
I don't mind when you spout off like a complete dick.....I expect it from you. Reducing women to a pile of curves, a big smile and a couple nipples must mean that I'm allowed to reduce you to a mindless cock who does nothing but bring home the bacon. Oh wait....you already did that to yourself. Love ya babes.
Andrew is my brother. I've driven with him for literally thousands of kilometers all over Newfoundland. Let's make something abundantly clear.
Andrew isn't "picking on" women.
He's developed this scientific theory over careful observation over the last 10 or so years of driving. There have been 53 well documented occasions where my brother and I have spent time together driving around St. John's and other areas. showcasing his... unconventional taste in music. On many such occasions, we have happened upon a driver in their motor vehicle, which is clearly violating the Highway Traffic Act, local by-laws, and social norms pertaining to driving. Andrew has stated on record after observing such as violation, the phrase "I bet that's a woman".
Upon first hearing such statements, I requested his sources and demanded evidence. Andrew decided that it was best that I observe the evidence myself. Over the course of next several years, and many journeys, the data we have collected has shown that if the gender of the person operating the motor vehicle can be determined, the gender of the person is female 94.7% of the time. In cases where the driver exhibited acts which can be considered over cautious, the rate at which the driver was female was 96.3%.
Andrew has a valid theory, based upon years of careful scientific research. Considering my time spent analyzing his observation methods and the data collected, it is reasonable to consider this theory to be peer-reviewed.
Now, let's look at your argument. It's on the other end of the spectrum. It's riddled with anecdotes and opinions. There's no clear research, there's no peer review, and the entire basis of your argument is based out of an appeal to emotion, which we all know is a logical fallacy. Thus, Andrew's theory clearly holds more weight since it is a sound theory based on volumes of evidence gathered.
Fridgette, of your "sources", three are little more than anecdotal opinion pieces and one is an article which states that men are more likely to die in traffic accidents, not that men are more likely to cause accidents (which is the point of Andrew's article). If you're going to go out on a limb, and call my brother up, you should at least have the courtesy to back it up with legitimate science that actually refutes his claims.
Ummmm....muffin cakes.....your previous comment (admittedly, I only skimmed it due to lack of interest) stated things like "Andrew has a valid theory" and "there is no clear research"....hunny bunny. I don't disagree with Andrew's pathetic theory, in fact you may be astounded to know that I do NOT drive. I've 35 and I don't hold a drivers license. So, I'm not standing here with a license and my she-cock in hand. I'm saying that Andrew's bullshit blog posting is nothing but bullshit. I don't disagree with the end result, I disagree with his overall method. The fact that you are attributing his, and your, driving to any kind of scientific research just validates my original comment and further includes your dumb ass in it. Genetics eh....it's a bitch.
This is exactly why i do not drive. I do not have a driver's licence. I have never had one and I never really felt a desire to get one.
ReplyDeleteAnd still when I share this piece of information about myself majority of people express their surprise and (often) resentment.
Meanwhile, in the light of this post, all they should express is gratitude and relief. Relief that I know my strengths and weaknesses and know how complicated operating of a motor vehicle on a busy road appears to be to me and gratitude that I choose not to put my and their lives at risk.
That being said.
The best driver I ever been in a car with is a woman. My friend's mom. Never in my life before or after I met someone who could parallel park and perform other manouevers as smoothly as she did. To that you should add very good driving skills and amazing awareness of what is going on on the roads.
I got hit twice by a car. Both times on the crosswalk, both times crossing with a green light for pedestrians. Both times in St. John's.
Both times by a guy not paying attention while turning.
Why just pick on the women here Andrew? I think the shitty driver ratio is pretty even! What about the guy that speeds past you on the road cause you pulled over to get your kids out the car (cause there is no where else to be) and he speeds past you like your such a bitch for stopping to let your precious cargo out and gives you a look like 'WTF"?? And what about the guy that speeds down the road in a residential area where children are playing and doesn't give a crap that one of these kids at any given time will decide to dart out onto the road? I think woman are just more considerate of others with their driving and therefore it looks like woman make dumbass mistakes when really it is the guy in front of her who once again proved himself useless to think of anyone else but himself and she felt compelled to look out for others for his stupid maneuverer's. And don't even get me started on the man who thought it was a great day for sightseeing and decided to drive 30 down LeMarchant Road during rush hour!! And I know a guy who has a terrible habit of fixing his hair while driving. I am scared to be in the car with him because his vanity is going to kill him I am sure. So, I do think it is pretty even when it comes to stupid drivers. I just think you notice the woman more then the men because we are such a great species and those are the only drivers you notice!! :)
ReplyDelete@skinnybitch11 - the comment on the "noticing women more than men" - priceless!
ReplyDeletehttp://editorial.autos.msn.com/article.aspx?cp-documentid=788126
ReplyDeletehttp://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16698153/ns/technology_and_science-science/
http://www.kanetix.ca/insurance-auto-women-better-drivers
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/globe-drive/car-life/cheney/men-vs-women-who-are-better-drivers/article1653975/
I don't mind when you spout off like a complete dick.....I expect it from you. Reducing women to a pile of curves, a big smile and a couple nipples must mean that I'm allowed to reduce you to a mindless cock who does nothing but bring home the bacon. Oh wait....you already did that to yourself.
Love ya babes.
Andrew is my brother. I've driven with him for literally thousands of kilometers all over Newfoundland. Let's make something abundantly clear.
ReplyDeleteAndrew isn't "picking on" women.
He's developed this scientific theory over careful observation over the last 10 or so years of driving. There have been 53 well documented occasions where my brother and I have spent time together driving around St. John's and other areas. showcasing his... unconventional taste in music. On many such occasions, we have happened upon a driver in their motor vehicle, which is clearly violating the Highway Traffic Act, local by-laws, and social norms pertaining to driving. Andrew has stated on record after observing such as violation, the phrase "I bet that's a woman".
Upon first hearing such statements, I requested his sources and demanded evidence. Andrew decided that it was best that I observe the evidence myself. Over the course of next several years, and many journeys, the data we have collected has shown that if the gender of the person operating the motor vehicle can be determined, the gender of the person is female 94.7% of the time. In cases where the driver exhibited acts which can be considered over cautious, the rate at which the driver was female was 96.3%.
Andrew has a valid theory, based upon years of careful scientific research. Considering my time spent analyzing his observation methods and the data collected, it is reasonable to consider this theory to be peer-reviewed.
Now, let's look at your argument. It's on the other end of the spectrum. It's riddled with anecdotes and opinions. There's no clear research, there's no peer review, and the entire basis of your argument is based out of an appeal to emotion, which we all know is a logical fallacy. Thus, Andrew's theory clearly holds more weight since it is a sound theory based on volumes of evidence gathered.
Science, bitches!
Fridgette, of your "sources", three are little more than anecdotal opinion pieces and one is an article which states that men are more likely to die in traffic accidents, not that men are more likely to cause accidents (which is the point of Andrew's article). If you're going to go out on a limb, and call my brother up, you should at least have the courtesy to back it up with legitimate science that actually refutes his claims.
ReplyDeleteUmmmm....muffin cakes.....your previous comment (admittedly, I only skimmed it due to lack of interest) stated things like "Andrew has a valid theory" and "there is no clear research"....hunny bunny. I don't disagree with Andrew's pathetic theory, in fact you may be astounded to know that I do NOT drive. I've 35 and I don't hold a drivers license. So, I'm not standing here with a license and my she-cock in hand. I'm saying that Andrew's bullshit blog posting is nothing but bullshit. I don't disagree with the end result, I disagree with his overall method. The fact that you are attributing his, and your, driving to any kind of scientific research just validates my original comment and further includes your dumb ass in it. Genetics eh....it's a bitch.
ReplyDelete